Hunting the positive piece…

I meant for this blog to be a positive process, it seems to have gotten away from me a little – crossed over into Blueness.  I find this kind of ironic as it reflects my head quite well.  I swear my head is naturally programmed towards depressive thoughts, the sad stories – it feels as though I consistently have to fight to see the bright side, to not sink into the darkness – and I honestly cannot remember a time when it wasn’t the case.

I want to change that.

I really want to change that.

I need to change that.

So – how to go about it?  Honesty, I have no clue.  I am going to start by trying to find the positives, and trying to find the brightness every time I feel the dark closing in.  I also intend to start exercising on more of a regular basis, supposedly good for mental health, as will be the physical benefits (the two for me, are intrinsically linked) and trying to stick to more of a routine.

Short post for tonight….. Any tips, please comment – I need them!

HtLP xxx

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Just ….

I don’t really understand where my head is and has been the last few days.  I am struggling, really struggling.  I feel like my mosaic brain has been dropped – it hasn’t hit the floor yet …. it feels like it is still falling, and the big question is whether it will be caught, or land. And if it lands, will it be on hard or soft ground?

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I could so easily smash into a million pieces again at the moment.  I feel so fragile and I am not used to that, even when I was unwell before it made me feel strong in a weird way.  I was addicted to losing weight, to being hungry – as long as those two things were still happening then I felt like I could take on the world.  Right now I feel as though I have succeeded if the world hasn’t broken me down to either tears or to doing something self destructive, that is not a fun way to live.  It is not living – it is surviving.

I hate that the best I can manage right now is to survive.  I thought I was past just surviving – I am meant to be trying to rebuild some semblance of the life I was destined for, right now I feel like I am falling back into the none-life I have been living for a decade now.

I wonder – will I still be living this none-life survival game in another decade?  I don’t think I can manage another decade of this …. not even one day at a time, I have nothing left inside to give.  I have no confidence.  I have no self-esteem.  I have no job. I am fat. I am useless. I am exhausted. I am invisible. I am ashamed of myself.  I am ugly.

Some days I manage to find some hope – today is not one of them.  Today is one of those days that despite having stopped physically self harming years ago now, I am mentally tearing open those scars and feeling that pain all over again.  Days like today make me tempted to just implode….. which is so ridiculous because nothing has happened today to cause it, it is just a bad day, for no other reason than it just is.

Just – a seemingly insignificant word.  To me it means so much.

Just a mistake. Just a bad day.  Just feeling crap. Just your interpretation.  Just words.  Just one person. Just one day. Just a blow out. Just a naive decision. Just …..

Just a bad day, one of many. Just words that you don’t remember, but that I will never forget – that cut me deeper than you could imagine.  Just a photo, maybe it is, but it broke me in two that I am not in it with you all. Just so busy that I never get a chance to get in touch, even though your brain translates that into assuming you don’t care – not that I would ever tell you how it really makes me feel.

I think the word Just should JUST be banned from the English language – because nothing is ever Just anything.  It is a way of belittling feelings and, believe me, I don’t need any help with dismissing my feelings or beating myself up.  In fact, a lot of days, that is the one thing I truly excel at. Please, don’t just do or say anything without first remembering that the chances of your just being HUGE to someone else are pretty high!

Sorry for the rant folks!

HtLP x

I feel like my stomach is on a roller coaster and there is an elephant sat on my chest…. I just don’t seem to be able to shake it.   Yesterday I spoke about patterns – I guess one of my patterns is trying to escape from this sensation, it is a really uncomfortable one for me.  At one point in my life, this feeling was constant except when replaced by a stronger feeling – pain, hunger, drunkenness, physical exertion.  Over the past five years or so, it has come and gone at various intervals.

The feeling just makes me feel like doing something is essential, but at the same time nothing I can do is enough. It makes me want to run, to take risks, to do anything to make it go away.  This feeling is one I massively need to learn positive ways of dealing with, I know a bunch on paper, but nothing I have tried yet (that is positive) has delivered any relief.   Does anyone know this feeling?  Have any tips?

Now, in a perfect world, I would reach a place where this feeling no longer bothers me – or better still where I don’t feel it at all, but right now I just do not see that as realistic so I am going to have to find a way of dealing with it that doesn’t hurt me physically or mentally.  My latest attempt is to clean, but physically this is not a long term solution without killing myself physically.  I had hoped that writing might ease it, but it doesn’t seem to have done yet – however I plan to keep on with that in the hope it may help in time.

I would love to figure out what emotions cause this feeling, then I would know it’s source and knowing it’s source might help me redirect the flow before it bursts it’s banks and the flooding causes damage.  Things that have happened lately have clearly caused the return of it, but they have also left me kind of numb.

My other half who I love dearly broke my trust in a way that I never thought he would (no he didn’t cheat, but he did do something that I had previously told him would 100% lead to me walking out and not coming back), and it has shaken me and I guess left me a little in shock.  The old me (18/19) would certainly have walked away regardless of the consequences, she would have stuck to her principles and also stuck to her word.  The me of today just cleaned like a crazy person, chatted with a few close friends, asked for prayers and carried on.

The situation resolved itself, I have not had an apology – I don’t even expect one if I am entirely honest….. What does this say about the person I have become?  Am I really being fair to myself?  Respecting myself?  I honestly don’t know ….. I know that there are people who think that I should have left my fiance on a number of occasions previously, and I honestly do see (academically at least) where they are coming from.  There are times I question what I am doing, and literally whether I am insane to have not left him.  But the fact of the matter is that I really do love him (sounds cheesy, I know) and I do genuinely believe that he does love me too.

There are times when my head tells me that the only self respecting thing to do is to walk away, but my heart just cant let that happen.  I feel deeply – I always have.  This means I also love deeply, and get hurt deeply – often by people who neither realise nor care that they have hurt me.  I guess this has taught me, over time, that my feelings are often out of proportion to most people, it has taught me to hide a great deal of what I do feel, for fear of being mocked or looked upon as foolish or ridiculous.

This leads me to try and dismiss my own feelings, and essentially leaves me in a loop with myself that makes me feel exactly how I do right now – like running, drinking, exercising – anything that might make it go away.  But I just don’t seem able to break the cycle that leads me too this place.  I know academically that I have the right to feel however I do and that I shouldn’t dismiss my feelings.  But then a situation occurs and I have so many emotions that I just dismiss them all and am left numb but without the bottom of my stomach and in its place an elephant on my chest.

Even now, I sit here debating whether to delete this post and start again.  I feel ridiculous for sharing my struggles with this weird feeling – but I am trying to do some things that I haven’t tried before, and sharing these rambles of mine is one of those things.  For someone who thinks that their own feelings are often way too much and a bit ridiculous, sharing them through this blog is a risk.  But it is a risk I am willing to take at the moment because I need to change something.

Feel free to leave your thoughts/comments.

HtLP x

Patterns.

It is no secret in life that many things follow patterns.  Positive patterns, negative patterns, patterns that repeat like clock work, patterns that don’t repeat regularly. Patterns that are good for us, patterns that leave us back in the same place just on a different day, patterns that are completely self destructive – all patterns. Patterns, patterns, patterns.

Here’s the thing….. I am sick of my patterns.  In fact, I am beyond sick of my patterns, I am so fed up with them that it crushes my chest.  My life was not meant to be like this, I was meant to be someone, to do things, to make a difference.  Nobody ever told me that my decisions aged 19 would affect my life for the next decade at least.  Nobody told me that I would get stuck in a pattern I wasn’t in control of – yet here I am.

In my head, I fluctuate between ‘I can do this, I can turn this around, I can even make up for those ten years I have lost – time to live up to that potential I have always failed to rise to’ and ‘this is me, I actually liked being skinny, I want it back so badly, I don’t care what I have to sacrifice to get there, I want that confidence back’.

At the same time I am also permanently fluctuating between ‘I am in too much physical pain to do anything today, all I want to do is sleep, I hate myself, I am ashamed of myself’ and ‘You know what, my struggles have made me stronger, my pain is getting less, I am going to boss that ‘to do’ list’.

I am sick of my fluctuations, sick of my patterns ….. I need to figure out a new pattern, a more positive one.  I have spent a reasonable amount of time lately pondering the patterns that I have repeated throughout my life, in the hope of learning something from them.  I don’t know if this is the case for other people, but even just thinking these patterns through has filled me with a multitude of feelings – almost as if I have travelled back to the feelings I was experiencing at the time.  I miss all of those versions of myself, but maybe that is more to do with how I am currently feeling than whether or not those versions of myself are worth revisiting.

Perhaps my next few posts should explore some of my previous patterns, some of my previous versions.  Whether or not I believe that any of those versions of myself deserve a place in my present.

This much I do know – I need to put the past to rest somehow in order to move forward…. I need to find or create a version of myself that I am prepared to keep for the long term.  To me, this seems scary right now, but I also know it is essential.

Do you find yourself repeating patterns? Do you think looking back is important in order to make solid foundations to move forward?

HtLP x

 

Breathe. Just Breathe.

Today, I feel the need to remind myself to remember to breathe, to take the time to breathe.  I don’t feel like I can stop at the moment.  Someone I know and love very much described this feeling as “like being a runner about to start a race, when they jump up and down, shaking their arms and legs because they are so pumped up and ready for the race”.  I have never been able to describe this feeling, and she did it so eloquently.  That is exactly how I feel, like that – but then the race is suddenly cancelled, and all that energy is still there and, no matter what, you have to do something, anything.

This feeling has always been a problem for me, it has led me into a number of ‘scrapes’ (love the use of this term in Anne of green gables).   It has been the root of a number of my terrible decisions.  I have found relief from it before in my own blood, my own pain, the scales, alcohol, risk taking, overdoses and even getting into a relationship with a married man – not my proudest moment.  More recently, the only relief in any form that I have found is in putting headphones in my ears, turning them up as loud as I can and clean like I never want to see another speck of dirt in my life.

There, however, is a problem with this strategy …. soon I will run out of things to clean.  And I seriously mean that I will run out, not just that I will run out of ‘normal’ things to clean – my cleaning involves cleaning literally everything.  I hoover teddies, I clean the back of the toilet, I hoover the blinds, mattresses, cushions.  If it is soft it gets hoovered, if it is solid then it gets wiped down.  My step daughter finds my stress cleaning funny – there have been a number of times she has witnessed something and thought I was insane – maybe she is right, certainly not a possibility I would rule out.

The issue I have is what else I can do.  I feel like I need to run, and run, and run.  You know in the films when they run until the feelings go away or they break down.  Problem is that I am not physically capable of running, I am surprised that my body is letting me get away with my stress cleaning, never mind anything more physical.

Mentally I think I am getting desperate, I need to find a way to deal with this excess of emotion.  I can’t run physically, I can’t run metaphorically, I can’t carry on burying my emotions either – at some point I will explode, or more likely given my history, I will implode.

I don’t want to implode.

I have to find another way to cope.

I will find a way.

I appreciate your prayers and thoughts as always.

HtLP x

So, it’s been a while (at this point I doubt anyone is surprised …).

I have been trying to write a post for a couple of weeks now, the fact is that I am having difficulty figuring out how I feel at the moment.  Many things have happened in the last month or two – initially some of these things left me very conflicted emotionally, not knowing what my next move should be or even if I would have the strength to make that move, whatever it might be.  But then, its like my emotions just kind of shut down, stopped, paused – I really don’t know.  My emotions seem to have disappeared except for in sudden waves.

This worries me, more than if I couldn’t stop crying, or was raging with anger.

It scares me.

My life has always been led by my heart, my emotions have often been my guide in life.  Tough decisions have always been made based on my feelings as to what is right and wrong.  For as long as I can remember, my heart has been my guide.  Don’t misunderstand me – it has sometimes ended badly, I have hurt myself, and others but always because I felt it was right at the time.

All of my life, I have felt deeply – often too deeply.  I have never really been able to describe verbally or in writing, what precisely my feelings are.  They have led me into some great places, they have led me into some truly terrible places that I wish they had not – but that regret is also felt deeply and learnt from.

It scares me that right now, my emotions seem to be very inconsistent.  I don’t feel like my head is allowing me to feel.  How can my feelings guide me, when I am not feeling them all the time?

When I was seeing a psychologist when I was unwell, she spent a great deal of time explaining to me about how my brain is permanently on a rollercoaster, up and down.  Rather than my feelings going a small amount up and down (apparently like most people) mine take massive peaks and troughs.  A lot of time in those sessions was spent trying to help me learn to control those peaks and troughs, so they didn’t knock me sideways so much, so my emotions would stay within manageable boundaries.

Right now, I am failing at that miserably, except I seem to be missing the entire middle of the scale….. I don’t notice my emotions until they are at the extremes.

I have had to make some very difficult decisions recently, some that affect my future, my present and potentially everything I have rebuilt in the last ten years.

I have been left questioning my worth in the eyes of some of the people whom I love the most, have reconnected with someone I thought I would never speak to again and have been forced to put up with a situation that I thought would never happen….. no, correction, I felt that it would never happen.  It left me in a place where my heart and head were telling me two very different things, in fact – utter opposites.

I wonder now, as I sit here trying to make sense of things, whether that is why all the middle ground emotionally seems to have disappeared? Maybe, maybe it will come back in time.

For now, I have no choice but to plough on. I have no idea if I am making the right choices at the moment – all I can do is hope and pray that it will all be okay in the end.

Sorry for the rambling post.

HtLP

Seriously! 2 months ….. oops!

So, apparently it has been a couple of months since I last wrote.  I have been meaning to write quite a few times, but in true HtLP style just did not get around to doing it.  I have thought out many posts, many times over, and yet I sit here right now with a burning desire to write and no real idea what I want to write.

The last couple of months have been a bit strange for me – maybe I should start there?!?

I turned 30 in January.  And I suddenly realised that I have very little to show for those 30 years on this planet.  By the time my parents were my age they had children, they had careers, they had a house, they were married.  I haven’t really achieved any of that – my biggest achievement is probably that I am still here to even be writing this blog – believe me when I say that there were many times i didn’t think I would reach my thirtieth birthday.  It also made me realise that my mental health issues have certainly now been a part of me for half of my life, half of it….. at least.  I have spent half of my life fighting with myself – that’s just insane!

I see all these people who I grew up with, went to school with, was friends with – even my siblings, all of them making something of their lives.  There are days when I dream of somehow making something of my life.  Common dreams of mine include; owning my own business, owning my own home, working full time, having a degree, being married.  Heck, some days I even feel (dare I say it) like I could actually achieve some of these things.  Then reality descends.  I know many people who know me would shout at me for saying this, but I feel as though I have literally wasted an entire decade of my life, and not only that, but also that I could so easily waste the next decade too.

When will I get to stop surviving and start living?

I suppose these thoughts have been made even more poignant by something else that has happened in my absence from writing – the death of my Aunt, (if we are going to be technical, my great aunt) following dementia and osteoporosis in her later life.  I know people often say this of dead people, but she was an amazing woman, and I didn’t really realise until her deterioration how much of a role model she was to me.  She would have hated the way her illnesses made her towards the end of her life.  The rest of her life she had been a formidable woman – loyal to her husband and kids, fiercely independent, honest, kind, giving, passionate, adventurer. My mother, I am sure (though we have never discussed it) also looked up to her, being my Grandmother’s youngest sister (and my Grandmother being the eldest) there was less than twenty years between them.

Not that I hope to die anytime soon, but at my funeral I would like people to feel that I was all those things too.  I think honestly before being unwell, I was heading towards being very like my aunt – now I think she would quite possibly tell me I was wasting my life and ask me what I was waiting for.  And for the first time in my life I have realised that I am scared of taking risks, scared of going to new places, scared of trying new things and out and out terrified of failing, terrified of ending up falling backwards.  I think the thing I am waiting for is that fear to go away, but in reality I know it is not going to.  So perhaps I am waiting for the confidence to face it and do things anyway.

I think that will be my prayer from now, give me the strength to stand up and fight, not without fear (I don’t think that is realistic) but despite fear. Give me the courage to take the risks I need too. The confidence I need. And please, please, please, somehow stop me from wasting another decade of my life procrastinating.

HtLP.