I feel like my stomach is on a roller coaster and there is an elephant sat on my chest…. I just don’t seem to be able to shake it. Yesterday I spoke about patterns – I guess one of my patterns is trying to escape from this sensation, it is a really uncomfortable one for me. At one point in my life, this feeling was constant except when replaced by a stronger feeling – pain, hunger, drunkenness, physical exertion. Over the past five years or so, it has come and gone at various intervals.
The feeling just makes me feel like doing something is essential, but at the same time nothing I can do is enough. It makes me want to run, to take risks, to do anything to make it go away. This feeling is one I massively need to learn positive ways of dealing with, I know a bunch on paper, but nothing I have tried yet (that is positive) has delivered any relief. Does anyone know this feeling? Have any tips?
Now, in a perfect world, I would reach a place where this feeling no longer bothers me – or better still where I don’t feel it at all, but right now I just do not see that as realistic so I am going to have to find a way of dealing with it that doesn’t hurt me physically or mentally. My latest attempt is to clean, but physically this is not a long term solution without killing myself physically. I had hoped that writing might ease it, but it doesn’t seem to have done yet – however I plan to keep on with that in the hope it may help in time.
I would love to figure out what emotions cause this feeling, then I would know it’s source and knowing it’s source might help me redirect the flow before it bursts it’s banks and the flooding causes damage. Things that have happened lately have clearly caused the return of it, but they have also left me kind of numb.
My other half who I love dearly broke my trust in a way that I never thought he would (no he didn’t cheat, but he did do something that I had previously told him would 100% lead to me walking out and not coming back), and it has shaken me and I guess left me a little in shock. The old me (18/19) would certainly have walked away regardless of the consequences, she would have stuck to her principles and also stuck to her word. The me of today just cleaned like a crazy person, chatted with a few close friends, asked for prayers and carried on.
The situation resolved itself, I have not had an apology – I don’t even expect one if I am entirely honest….. What does this say about the person I have become? Am I really being fair to myself? Respecting myself? I honestly don’t know ….. I know that there are people who think that I should have left my fiance on a number of occasions previously, and I honestly do see (academically at least) where they are coming from. There are times I question what I am doing, and literally whether I am insane to have not left him. But the fact of the matter is that I really do love him (sounds cheesy, I know) and I do genuinely believe that he does love me too.
There are times when my head tells me that the only self respecting thing to do is to walk away, but my heart just cant let that happen. I feel deeply – I always have. This means I also love deeply, and get hurt deeply – often by people who neither realise nor care that they have hurt me. I guess this has taught me, over time, that my feelings are often out of proportion to most people, it has taught me to hide a great deal of what I do feel, for fear of being mocked or looked upon as foolish or ridiculous.
This leads me to try and dismiss my own feelings, and essentially leaves me in a loop with myself that makes me feel exactly how I do right now – like running, drinking, exercising – anything that might make it go away. But I just don’t seem able to break the cycle that leads me too this place. I know academically that I have the right to feel however I do and that I shouldn’t dismiss my feelings. But then a situation occurs and I have so many emotions that I just dismiss them all and am left numb but without the bottom of my stomach and in its place an elephant on my chest.
Even now, I sit here debating whether to delete this post and start again. I feel ridiculous for sharing my struggles with this weird feeling – but I am trying to do some things that I haven’t tried before, and sharing these rambles of mine is one of those things. For someone who thinks that their own feelings are often way too much and a bit ridiculous, sharing them through this blog is a risk. But it is a risk I am willing to take at the moment because I need to change something.
Feel free to leave your thoughts/comments.